Taylor Swift and Former Yogurt Shop Employee Split
The 33-year old American Singer and her former boyfriend of 6 years have allegedly split sometime in the past weeks.
4/8/23, 8:49 p.m.— I report to you with great emotion (not sadness or even a mischievous happiness in particular) that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn have allegedly ended their 6-year relationship. You may be wondering what a girl like me, with almost 0 substack subscribers and a modest 5 views on my last column, is doing reporting this news. I happen to have opinions on the swift (lol) reaction from TikTok and Twitter swifties alike. From the cupcakes, to the Gaylors, to the “Average Joe’s”, I will be criticizing everybody and proving tips for reading comprehension, even when the reading in question is a news article with line breaks every sentence written in Goo Goo Ga Ga language.
I first heard the news on my way back from a baby shower earlier this afternoon. I got a discord ping from a server I’m in. It was a Pop Base tweet stating that their relationship has ended, according to Entertainment Tonight which was the first outlet to break the news. One of my first thoughts was that I needed to check TikTok to see how everyone was coping- I mean EVERYONE. The Z-listers who leech off Taylor’s likeness, the casual listeners, the Gaylors (the Gaylors specifically), and all of my favorite TikTokers who always have educated and unique takes on any Taylor-related matter. As soon as I opened the app, they flooded in.
Stage 1: Denial.
Well, Taylor has always wanted to keep her relationship private! Look at Sweet Nothing & Paris! Okay? How is this any different?
I won’t believe it until “blondie” confirms it herself. I saw this exact comment multiple times and more often than now they had a single reply going “don’t hold your breath” which I think it so snarky but so right and applicable to this situation. Taylor has never once confirmed a relationship’s ending (unless you count her retweeting Calvin Harris’ breakup tweet which I’m not entirely sure is true).
Stage 2: Anger
The first stage of grief, denial, has even gotten many swifties angry and bitter toward anyone who believes the rumors, or who poses reasons for them being credible. Why would the news cycle not operate because it’s Taylor Swift? It makes sense for the news to be broke like this especially because it’s Taylor Swift. There are two main ways to break the news of anything, but this is especially true in the case of break-ups. 1. A public announcement from the celebrity themselves. Be it via a notes app IG post, a tweet, any direct quote from the person/couple in question. 2. Someone from 1/2 of both of the couple’s team goes to news outlets to break the news in orderly fashion. I ask the angry swifties, why would Taylor address a PUBLIC statement? Why wouldn’t she rather have Tree go to ET, People, Rolling Stone, any major publication instead to save herself her dignity and maintain normalcy in her life? Especially on a record-breaking tour where making a little tweet is the last of her worries. When has she ever done the first tactic in the context of relationships. For situations like when her masters were sold abruptly, a personal statement makes perfect sense. Or when she was battling her sexual assault trial and made a statement on tour about it, being vocal about it in her documentary Miss Americana as well.
Stage 3: Bargaining
I think the masses are stuck in this stage. Here’s 5 songs about their alleged love and this will disprove any theory that they aren’t still madly in love! For every song they bring up I have 2 songs to counteract them. Especially on her latest, most recent works as well. Listen to Hits Different please. Or DEAR READER?? Almost all of her lyricism is widely applicable, why do you think that is?
Stage 4: Depression
My pookie bear Joe is really gone. Where will I get photos of Benjamin Button (the cat) now? Who will shield Taylor from other relationship rumors? Who else has that much of a resemblance to Karlie Kloss as much as him? Maybe you’ll miss him, maybe not. However, Swifties will mourn the relationship they were never a part of.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Maybe we will get here soon?
Here is my send-off. I wish all swifties well, even the really stupid ones. Who knows what will happen in the following days, weeks, months even. Maybe the setlist change from invisible string to the 1 meant nothing. If you take anything with you from reading this, let it be that that woman Taylor is a LIAR! Some would say a Bad Liar?
